For the Sake of the Children
by Ferryman
Summary: Rodney cant remember a day that he liked children, but then he cant remember making love to Sam Carter either, which is just as well because the memory may kill him. Spoilers throughout series 3 and 4. Chapter One reworked for grammar, etc/rest to follow
1. Chapter 1

**MANY, MANY THANKS TO KEYANNA!!** – My beta Proof Reader for reworking my numerous errors.

**Prologue;**

She wakes, wrapped in her blankets. Her cheeks wet from tears and her body moist from sweat. She lay, looking up at the ceiling as she remembers her dream. She replays it in her mind, torturing herself, because it wasn't a dream: it was a memory.

_Was it really five years since she and Rodney had sat in that debriefing at the SGC? _ Sam guiltily remembers her initial feelings when she first found out she would be off world, alone, with Rodney. She recalled that she had had the sympathy of everyone at SGC and still thought it so unfair. She'd no idea how soon things would change.

She sees them as they were then, going through the Stargate and arriving in the city. She remembers thinking she would have to put herself forward to introduce them-selves, convinced that Rodney would be his usual sarcastic, insulting self and be insensitive to the fact that these were children. And how guilty she feels that she thought so badly of him.

When the children stepped forward to crowd round the strangers, touching clothes, smiling up at them, asking question after question, she had looked nervously at Rodney ready to calm him down. The sight that met her eyes had shocked her. She smiled a bittersweet smile as she saw the image again in her minds eye.

Rodney had his arms spread out, skimming his fingers over the hands reaching for him as he spun slowly, corkscrew fashion, round and round but ever onwards. It was his face that had captured her though. He was smiling - not just smiling but beaming, and it put such light and colour in his eyes that she was captivated as he looked over to her in pure elation. Then she'd noticed the children, noticed how they looked up at him with big bright eyes. He hadn't even been there five minutes and the children already loved him, laughing every time his hands passed over their heads, trying to capture his hands. They saw something in this man that Sam was only just beginning to see. Underneath the tough, spiked exterior was a soft and loving man.

_Will I ever see that look again? _She wonders sadly.

As they'd neared the eldest children who stood formally in the centre square, the children started to thin out, allowing them to approach the teens who were in affect the leaders. A little dark-haired girl that she later found out was called Miarda stayed with Rodney, both of her hands clasped around his hand and forearm. One of the elders gave her a discreet nod to move to the side. She scowled at them and moved closer into Rodney's thigh, clasping tighter onto his arm. He had looked down at her and smiled and then returned his open happy face to the elders. The girl who had nodded to her gave a small shake of her head and an indulgent smile and then turned her attention to the two adults who towered above them all. Sam had often thought that it was Miarda's death that had made it most unbearable for Rodney and that if it hadn't been for her then there might have been another way.

The initial contact from SGC had explained to the children about the machine, which caused an inhibitor on their genes to kill them at a certain age so the Goa'uld would not take them for hosts. They had also explained that they would send a team that would be able to disarm the machine.

Therefore this meeting with the children was a welcoming celebration for the people who would set them free and so they had spent that first day with the children in celebration. She had found she couldn't take her eyes of Rodney through most of it. This man she saw was totally different to the man who had left SGC with her. She had never seen him so relaxed, so content, and she had to admit she had found this man appealing. He had talked to the children, told them stories and introduced them to the 'thumb war' game.

Everywhere he went she could hear children laughing. The first time she had heard him laughing she'd just stared at him, unable to associate this full, joyous laugh with the Dr. Rodney McKay she knew. There had been a bonfire later and they sat on logs around the fire. She had watched Rodney with the little girl sitting on one knee, her legs dangling and Rodney's strong arm around her waist, keeping her secure, as she played thumb wars. Their laughter had been infectious.

They were shown to their quarters that night, and they had worked the next day on the machine in the control centre. Miarda would wait outside until McKay came out and would follow him everywhere until she was fell asleep in his arms and was carried away again by one of the elders. They had held a celebration again that night, again with a bonfire and food and drinks that were obviously not alcoholic.

They followed this same sequence of events for three days and Sam enjoyed every minute of it. Rodney was still sarcastic and some of his responses could be biting, but now that she had seen the man underneath they failed to hit home. She found them amusing and found her time with him enjoyable.

This man surprised her. His softness with the children softened her heart and she had found herself seeing more and more things that she found attractive. It was hard to recognise this man as the man she had met before with a closed heart and a sharp tongue. This man who was so gentle with the children and who, here, was so quick to smile.

She recalls that on the third day, when they were near a resolution that she had asked him the question that she had wanted to ask since that first night. "You seem so relaxed with these children – how come?" And he had answered.

She sighed, heavy in heart with pity in her eyes, as she recollected his answer.

"Children are honest and always tell the truth. If they say they like you, then they like you and if they don't like you then they tell you so. You always know where you stand, and I like that"

Then he had looked at her with a slightly sad expression in his eyes as he continued, "and they accept you as you are; you don't have to pretend with children." Then he had shrugged, embarrassed.

And that had been the other revelation, that she could see what he was feeling at any time just by looking into his eyes. She wondered why she had never noticed before how easy it was to read him. _There are none so blind, as them that cannot see, _she thinks to herself.

Then she asks herself the same questions she had asked herself a thousand times. _Why did I go to make a status report? Why didn't I stay with him? Why did I leave him alone? _But she knew why, because she had needed time alone to think about what had gone between them the night before. To worry whether this man she wanted to be with forever would be gone when they returned to the SGC - and what would happen if he did hide again beneath that other persona.

She remembers their first kiss, only to feel her heart breaking again as tears began to fill her eyes. She moves her hand up to brush her lips as she reminisces how his lips had felt so soft against hers, yet full of such passion. She had become attracted to this gentle man, but she hadn't expected that under that hermit scientist was a sensitive and giving lover. He had tantalised her with soft kisses that drifted down her neck as he'd moved down her body, lighting her from inside. She had watched those skilled fingers at his keyboard and never guessed how well they could be used in other areas as they brushed her body in delicate, electrical touches.

They had made love, giving everything of themselves to each other and as they lay entwined he had fallen asleep. She had run her fingers gently through his hair and ghosted her fingers along his cheek as she had watched him sleeping, as the realisation of how deeply she felt for this man had started to scare her. In three days she had fallen in love with a man she had despised three days ago, and she'd worried about which man would return with her to the SGC. She had wondered if she could love that man while she waited for this man that lay beneath him to return. _Now I know I can, I see him everyday and although I look for the man underneath, I know I love them both._ W_ill the pain of this memory ever lessen?_

Tears run slowly from her eyes as she knows she could never be with him again, never feel the tender kisses that lit up her soul, never feel that alive again because of the danger that like her if he remembered this memory, it may in turn invoke the other. In her mind's eye she again sees her return from the Stargate to the city. She had begun to run when she'd seen the dead bodies. She had found Rodney outside the control centre cradling Miarda in his arms, dead, sitting amongst hundreds. He was distraught and he had started rambling, "They kept trying to reach me. I tried to explain that I couldn't do anything. It only took minutes, but they kept trying because they trusted me. I couldn't get them to understand that it was me, that I was to blame".

As she relives the moment, she gives a body racked sob, and her hand opening to cover her mouth to stop it. Sam wraps a hand around her stomach as she curls into the foetal position to hold in the pain. She closes her eyes, trying to stop it and failing.

Rodney had been sobbing uncontrollably until he looked at the still body he cradled. As he'd pulled Miarda to him, the grief came expressed in an inhuman keening animal shout that had stopped Sam's heart and sent her cold, frozen to the spot. She had tried to comfort him, but he couldn't see anything but the children. She had looked at the small dead bodies around her. Some didn't have a mark on them, while others had a trickle of blood from their noses or mouths and some looked as if their hearts or heads had exploded.

_Damn you, Nirrti. If we had known you were involved we would have moved slower; we wouldn't have attempted to shut down the inhibitor until we had checked for booby traps, unless we were sure. Damn you, Nirrti! _Sam swears vehemently as the anger starts to rise again, even after all these years, as she is reminded of the pain and torment that Rodney had felt in the days afterwards, as she remembers his bright blue eyes dim further and further as the days had passed as he'd moved further and further away from her.

Nothing any of them said could reach him and she couldn't convince him that she would have made the same mistake, but he couldn't live with himself. They almost hadn't found him in time after the third attempt and Sam had realised she couldn't watch him forever. He had become spiteful, mean, trying to push away the people who were trying to save him so that he would be left alone to die by his own hand - in his own mind, to make amends. Then Daniel had found the text, had suggested a solution. Heavy sadness fills her as she recalls him in those final hours, distraught and full of hatred for himself, a broken man.

_Did I do the right thing? Did I give up on him to early? Was this for him or for me? _She thought as she remembered the remedy. Rodney strapped to a chair in the infirmary, the Goa'uld hand device fixed in place on her hand. She had cupped his face in her hand and kissed him for the last time with tears streaming down her face, determined to etch every second of this in her mind, the last time she would feel of his lips against hers, still soft but now dead, emotionless.

She had hoped that if she put her heart and soul into it there was a slight chance that she could reach him but as she pulled away she'd seen that he was dead inside, too consumed with guilt and hatred to see the woman who loved him. She'd looked upon the man who held her heart, who would always hold her heart as she uttered brokenly "I'm so sorry Rodney, but this is the only way".

Then she'd taken the memory from him. She stripped him of his pain so that he could live with himself again. And she had realised then that as he lost the memory of the children he was also losing the memory of their night together, of the night she fell in love and so she replayed it to herself as she stole it from Rodney and inside she swore, _I will remember for both of us. I will remember always, my love, I swear, _and she sobbed inside, feeling the agony of her heart breaking again and again.

_I had no choice s_he tells herself, wiping the tears from her cheeks._ Then why can't you be at peace with what you've done? If it was so right then why does it still wake you up at night? Why do you still torture yourself with memories of his kisses and of his touch and of his pain?_

She knew why and she answered herself. _Because I also took something precious from him as well as the pain. I torture myself because I promised I would never forget. _She remembers the agony she had to hide the first time she saw him with Katie Brown. How she had to smile sweetly and talk nicely when inside she was in pain as her emotions battered her and in the stillness of her quarters she murmurs brokenly, vehemently, "He was mine, damn you, Nirrti! He was mine!" And inside she breaks again.

She knew she couldn't be with him, and part of her is glad that he was with someone who brought out the man underneath - but oh, how it hurt to know it would never be her.

_I'm even jealous of Sheppard, s_he thinks wretchedly. _He gets to be closer to him than I ever will. I see part of the man I love and know it's because of his time with Sheppard. He managed to find that man all by himself; he didn't need to be shown. If it wasn't for the children, would I ever have found him?_

She lies there motionless for a long while, continuing to torture herself. To ask if maybe there was another way, a way that would have allowed him to live with himself and allowed them to be together - but there wasn't. She had to stay strong; if she faltered, if she gave in to her feelings she could have him back but it would be short lived. The other memories would follow and he would be lost to them all. She had to be strong: for Rodney, for the man she loved she had to deny her heart, deny herself. She knew eventually she would come to terms with the fact that he was lost to her and just be thankful that she was here, that she could still be part of his life. Just not on the level she longed for, dreamed for, yearned for.

Regardless of what the future held, till the end of her days she would always remember. She would never forget the night she fell in love. _You will never remember, you will never know, but you will always have my heart._


	2. Chapter 2

Sam's face came into view with tears in her eyes

**Sam's face came into view with tears in her eyes. "I'm Sorry Rodney, this is the only way", then she brought her hand**** up into view and he saw the Goa-uld hand device strapped to her hand. The heart stone glowed red and pain erupted in his head as he struggled against straps holding him in place and then it went dark.**

Rodney woke up wrapped in the blankets. _Why did he dream something like that? If he was going to have Sam in his dreams it could at least be nice. He trusted Sam, why would he dream she'd hurt him like that? Very weird dream, what did I eat before I went to bed last night?_

He got up and showered and dressed. His head continued to feel heavy so he popped some pills before he picked up his laptop and left his quarters for his morning briefing. He was disturbed by the dream still. Something kept nagging at him but it always seemed just out of reach and this headache wasn't helping matters.

He got into the briefing room and found a coffee waiting for him. Sheppard had learnt a long time ago that the meetings went a little bit smoother when Rodney had nice expensive coffee to drink. Rodney took his cup, with a nod to Sheppard, and then sat down at the table. Rodney and Sheppard talked amongst themselves until Sam entered and then they got down to the meeting.

Sheppard informed Sam of troop rotations, defensive suggestions, etc and Rodney listed the primary experiments they were working on. They discussed team's abilities and personnel and potential planets for future investigation. The usual things so that all the heads were all aware of the things going on in Atlantis.

Finally, Sam instructed Sheppard that his team would be going to 'The Nursery' as Rodney had christened the planet. A world run by children, thanks to an inhibitor introduced into their genes generations ago. Rodney wondered how many other planets mistakenly thought the wraith would not feed on children. _Owww, danm it! _He thought as his headache spiked. _Maybe I'm having an anurisym. _ Dr Keller was able to cancel the inhibitor and now the kids would grow up as normal.

"What! Why do we have to go? I've already spent a week there and that's seven days too long!" Rodney shouted and if he was honest, even he was surprised by the amount of venom in his statement.

Sheppard raised an eyebrow. "I thought Maddy had taught you the virtues of children, Rodney," Sheppard mocked. It really was amazing how quick teasing Rodney cheered him up.

"Maddy is the exception. Maddy is a McKay" Rodney stated factually.

"Actually, she's a Miller." Sheppard pointed out with a grin

"Mentally she's a McKay and mental prowess is always superior."

"Oh, is that so," Sheppard said, looking as if he was trying his utmost not to break into laughter.

"I think the tally speaks for itself, Colonel," Rodney said smugly. Sheppard's smile dropped instantly as he glowered at Rodney.

"Tally?" Sam enquired. Sheppard and Rodney shocked as they suddenly remembered she was in the room and then immediately they looked sheepish and guilty.

"Erm, so I'm not going to the nursery and that's that," Rodney said, crossing his arms. _I can't lie to save my life so I may as well just ignore the question._

"Tally?" Sam enquired. "And gentleman, just so you don't make any mistakes, you really don't want to know how I intend to proceed if I have to ask that for a third time."

Rodney gulped_. _Sheppard started. "We've, erm, been keeping a tally on who's saved the other, Ma'am," and then shrugged apologetically.

"And Rodney's winning??" Sam asked incredulously. Rodney nodded smugly.

"Only by one point," Sheppard said, looking hard at Rodney, "which is under some dispute."

Rodney scowled. "I took the wraith drug, I wish to point out at great personal risk, and escaped back here to tell Wier where you were," he stated.

"Yes Rodney," said Sheppard patiently, "but when you got back here you were incoherent and incapable of voicing your supposed daring and ingenious rescue plan and I had to rescue myself."

"You were just early," Rodney said, "If you'd been a bit more patient you would have been rescued and I would also like to point out that yes, actually, it was daring and ingenious."

"I was on a hive ship, Rodney," Sheppard said incredulously striving to get Rodney to understand, not for the first time. "Not the most appealing waiting room and I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have got tea and a slice of cake while we waited, although there is a good chance they may have asked us to stay for dinner."

"Gentlemen," Sam said severely, shaking her head. She looked from one to the other until they both looked sheepish. "I suggest you go and pack and inform the rest of your team."

"What, but why do I have to go," Rodney whined.

"What's the problem Rodney?" Sam asked, obviously puzzled.

"He doesn't like kids," Sheppard said smugly, grinning form ear to ear.

"What? But….." Sam trailed off as the initial shocked expression faded from her face. "Why don't you like children, Rodney?" Sam said softly. Sheppard was looking at Sam, frowning slightly and her soft voice was making Rodney feel uncomfortable too.

"Well," Rodney shifted, "I don't know; they just make me feel uncomfortable, give me a headache too," he said pointing to his head McKay style with a grin, which he dropped when he realised that Sheppard had started grinning again. Rodney figured Sheppard had just figured out how to make Rodney's day hell on earth, or rather hell on an alien planet.

Sam looked sad, but seemed to be thinking things through. Rodney was beginning to think he was going to get out of it. Then Sam looked up at Rodney. "You should go, you are going Rodney. Sheppard come and see me before you go" and then she rose and left the room.

_O__kay, that can't be good, _thought Rodney, _why didn't she just say what she had to say here before he left, hope she's not going to order him to make me hug a child an hour or something. He was getting paranoid. Okay weird meeting for the last minute or two but nothing new, everyone always tried to make him get on with kids. He was letting the dream affect him. It was only a dream damn it._

He rose from the table and checked with Sheppard when to meet him and then went to the lab to inform Radek he was off world today and to highlight the main points of the briefing. Then he went to change for off world and then swung by the infirmary to discuss his headache with Dr Keller.

He half hoped that it would be something that would stop him going off world but Dr Keller came up empty. "Just a migraine" she said with practiced patience. He insisted on a scan which she did but again but nothing was found. She pointed out that migraines can last three days and therefore four days was not that unusual and maybe he should consider leaving the labs at a normal time and getting at least one full night of sleep and also avoid working with the laptop as his work was naturally inductive to headaches. He left the infirmary after leaving Keller with some McKay comments to think over.

He hated going to the infirmary, even now it felt like a betrayal to Carson, but he always felt better if he evened it out by leaving it with a tense atmosphere.


	3. Chapter 3

Later, as he was walking towards the startgate, he was talking with Teyla and Ronnon and therefore didn't see Sheppard turn sh

Sheppard isn't due for about an hour and while she sits at her desk she tries to read reports but she can't concentrate. In the end she gives up. As she waits for Sheppard, she thinks the same thoughts that had been drifting through her mind since she left the debriefing that morning and the thoughts that had been haunting her dreams for the last week, ever since they had found that planet.

How come she had never heard about Rodney's dislike of children, but then didn't she presume the same before she knew different. _It's so sad that you lost that magic, I'm so sorry I stole that too, Rodney. What else did I take from you? I wonder about the headaches too, is that down to me as well?_

She realised that Sheppard was due in her office anytime in the next twenty minutes and she thinks how she is going to tell Sheppard, how much she is going to tell Sheppard. She watches the time tick by, dread building in her. _He's really protective of Rodney, originally I was pleased to see that, but now I don't know if he will understand? Can I keep my emotions, can I keep my secret?_

--

She looked up at Sheppard as he entered her office.

"You wanted to see me before I left," he said as he took a seat. _This can't be good. She looks really troubled _he thinks curiously.

She leant forward, swallowed hard and looked up to lock eyes with him. "What I am about to tell you is only known to myself, General Landry and Doctor Jackson. I have thought long and hard about what to tell you here today and I have decided that, in Rodney's best interest, I will tell you everything, I hope that trust and judgement is not misplaced."

_Rodney?? _ _What the hell has he done now? _He schooled his features and looked at her, "If it's in Rodney's best interests then it is not misplaced."

She nodded and after a barely perceptible hesitation she continued. She told him about the other planet, about the mission. She smiled a bittersweet smile, seemingly without realising, as she told him how Rodney was with the children. As she talked her eyes developed a distant saddened look, obviously caught up for a moment in some image of long ago.

As Sheppard listened he wondered, and not for the first time, whether Rodney was being stupidly optimistic or unusually insightful when he implied that Sam had feelings for him and decided he still couldn't be sure if it was simple fondness or more. _She said she was talking about Rodney but the man she's describing, that's not Rodney. I don't think even mind control could make him behave like that._

"This is our Rodney, right? I don't think so," Sheppard said with a disbelieving laugh, "I've seen him with children, he hates them and don't ask me why. I've asked but I don't think even he knows why, he just does."

"I wish I had known that. If I had known then maybe I would have guessed something was wrong and I would have made sure he wasn't detailed to this planet. But yes he has changed, because of what happened on that mission, he has changed" she suddenly looked so sad and remorseful that Sheppard was suddenly nervous of what would follow.

He listened shocked as she told of how, when she returned from the stargate, she found him amongst the dead children. Told how Rodney was crying uncontrollably in grief and blaming him self for everything. She looked up, tears brimming in her eyes. He figured she was seeing that moment again and to see such emotion in her face gave him an inkling of how traumatic it must have been. "He was unreachable, I've never heard grief expressed like that, I've never heard such an inhuman noise like that" and she fell quiet for a moment as she relived it in her mind.

As Sheppard sat shocked, full of sympathy and empathic pain for Rodney, not trusting himself to speak as he too saw Rodney in his minds eye grief uncontrolled.

_How can he never h__ave told me that but then think of the things I've never told him. How can I never have understood or seen something in his eyes that said he had a reason not to like the company of children? _ Guilt stepped in as he remembered all the times he orchestrated Rodney to be with children, to put him through unknown torment for what he thought at the time was just for a laugh. _ I'm so sorry I hurt you like that, why did you never tell me damn you! How did he ever get over that? No wonder he didn't want to go to the planet._

_She must be about to explain how to tell him he doesn't have to go without telling him I know, why didn't she just say no this morning?_ He listened as Sam continued in sad quiet words, it almost sounded like a eulogy.

"He had thought he was shutting down the inhibitor but it had a safeguard against that and it sent out a signal that shut down different systems in the children. They died different ways, some only looked as if they had had a nosebleed, but every one of them died in minutes of the signal. We found out later, when we discovered the library, that it wasn't the children's ancestor's who had developed the machine as we had been told but Nirrti, but Rodney couldn't forgive himself you see. He couldn't live with himself."

She looked down at her hands. "We stopped him three times but we couldn't watch him forever. Nothing any of us said could reach him and I couldn't convince him that I would have done the same." _Stopped him? Stopped him from what? No, she can't mean that, _but Sheppard knew she did and suddenly he didn't want to hear any more, he wanted to run. _He shouldn't know this, this was Rodney's innermost secret and if he knew it, it should be because Rodney told him. He shouldn't know; this was to dark, to intimate to be told by someone else. _

Cold shock hit him and suddenly Sheppard needed to see Rodney, as panic started to build, he had to know he was okay. He spun to the window to look down to the gate room and saw him smiling and talking to Teyla and this normal scene suddenly seemed so surreal after the things Sam had told him.

He knew Rodney and knew he would feel guilt and pain over one adult's death, even if that adult knew what he was getting into and was prepared to take the risk. He could only imagine the depth of pain and guilt Rodney must have felt at the time.

_Guilt consumes this man, how did he deal with that? Did Sam help him through it_? He felt her hand on his shoulder and realised she had come round the desk and now stood beside him, he turned to her.

"There's more. So…." she hesitated as guilt filled her face and she bit her bottom lip, "So, using the Goa'uld hand device, I took the memory from him. He doesn't remember the mission, he doesn't remember us," she paused for half a millisecond, "working together and he doesn't remember the children. He knows nothing of this, nothing of the things I've told you." She paused, looking down at her hands wringing in her lap. _So that's why I never saw it in his eyes_ but it still didn't lessen the guilt he felt.

"You can do that? Take a specific memory away? How? I mean is that even possible, well of course it is, you did it. And he has no idea??" Sheppard said disbelieving.

He was in two minds. On the one hand he hated people messing with his mind and knew damn well that Rodney felt the same on that score. On the other hand there were some things in his past he would sooner forget but he knew without a doubt given the choice he would say no and he knew given the choice so would Rodney and then realisation dawned. "You did this against his will didn't you? He would never have agreed to it," he accused, starting to feel the anger rising in him.

She nodded, clearly having trouble controlling her emotions now. "We secured him during the procedure." Then she looked up into Sheppard's face, "you have to understand, he was never going to be okay with this, there was no choice. I couldn't watch his guilt consume him not when there was another way. If I hadn't done this eventually we would have buried him, he wouldn't have come to Atlantis and everyone here would have died a hundred times over."

She took a deep shuddering breath and then continued in a quite voice, "I altered the mission report to exclude Rodney and never spoke of it again. The only people who know the truth of this are Me, Doctor Jackson and General Landry and now you. Not even O'Neill knows of this, Hell, not even Rodney knows about this."

She looked into Sheppard's shocked and anguished face. "It's a dangerous memory Sheppard and I need to know if he is okay or if he is remembering. I need you to watch him closely on this mission, to make sure it's not coming back"

"Then why the hell are you sending him," Sheppard said quietly, dangerously, his voice sounding stretched and the anguish and anger clear. "What if it does come back, you gonna edit his mind again," he spat with venomous sarcasm, "or you just gonna wait and hope for a miracle that Rodney won't be destroyed by guilt again? Please, tell me, what's your brilliant reason for sending him to the one place that is most likely to bring the memory back, because you can court martial me, but he ain't going!"

All the time his own thoughts were fuelling his anger, making it harder to maintain control. _I can't make him relive that! I'm supposed to protect him for god's sake, not destroy him. How can you ask me to do that to him? You were SG1, I thought you of all people would understand. We look out for each other, we trust each other above all others and you ask me to do that, not only to betray him but to destroy him?_

Sam snapped to standing position, body rigid. "Colonel Sheppard, I am your commanding officer and members of staff under my command will go where I see fit!" She said sternly, her eyes hard and then she sighed and held up a restraining hand. Her eyes softened and she started again in a lighter tone, resting back against the desk.

"I understand what you are saying but it's already starting, I think he may be remembering. I can't take the risk that it may surface any time because it may be in the middle of a wraith attack, when he's off world in the middle of a mission, when he's alone somewhere and we can't reach him or when he's injured and all he has to do is stop fighting to live." She took a deep breath, steadying herself, "I'm just as worried about the cantankerous ego that is Rodney McKay as you are and don't you ever think differently, and Colonel don't you ever challenge my authority again, is that clear?"

Sheppard had been listening to the words, but he had also been listening to the evident pain within them. She did care, to what degree he didn't know, but she was doing this for Rodney's benefit and she had made good points. He nodded, "I am sorry Colonel Carter, I overstepped the mark and I apologise," he said and then he nodded, "I know you care about him too." He attempted a grin but it fell a little short. "I won't tell him you do, if you don't tell him I do."

Sam gave a tight half smile, still seriously affected by her emotions. "That's a deal I will hold you to, Colonel," and then she continued.

"The memory is dangerous to Rodney, he couldn't live with himself last time and I don't see that anything has changed. I need you to watch him. If you don't see anything unusual or odd, then we will know its buried deep and most likely okay for the rest of his life. But if you see anything out of place or character then we need to watch him closely. I want to know that memory is buried deep enough so it doesn't ever resurface" Sam locked eyes with Sheppard. "Keep a close watch," she looked back down into her lap.

She continued quietly, "I think that's why children make him uncomfortable because on a subconscious level he remembers and I think it hurts on a level he can't sense," She locked eyes with Sheppard, "Keep a close watch, keep him safe"

Sheppard nodded. "I will take him and I will watch him, but the first sign of trouble and I'm bringing him back," His eyes suddenly like flint. _Please be okay, please be okay. What if he's not, can I stop him when Sam couldn't?_

Sam nodded. "Okay". Sheppard left the office. Squashing down emotions before he reached Rodney, but still not able to look him in the eye he couldn't stop the thoughts. _What if he is okay, how do I deal knowing this and knowing that he doesn't, will there ever be a time when I can risk telling him? What if he remembers later and finds out I knew all along, will he understand why I betrayed him? If I'm doing the right thing, then why do I feel so guilty? Why can't I look him in the eye?_


	4. Chapter 4

Rodney exited the gate and followed the others down the steps into the main street

Later, as Rodney was walking towards the Stargate, he was talking with Teyla and Ronon. Therefore, he didn't see Sheppard turn sharply in Sam's office looking for him with fear and sympathy blatant on his face, he also missed Sam put her hand on his shoulder and gently pull him back round, speaking to him, persuading him of something.

He glanced up at the office when they reached the Stargate to see Sam and Sheppard stood talking to each other. He felt angry again, he seemed to feel anger rising in him all the time lately. He didn't know why but today he figured it was just the headache, which would not go away_. _

He understood why he had to go. Sam could not afford for people to start questioning her when she sent them somewhere but still, 'Kiddy Land??' When Rodney glanced back up at the office a while later it was to see Sheppard nod in acknowledgement to something Sam had said and then turning to leave.

Sheppard came out the office and came down the stairs towards them, what ever she had said to him it seemed to be giving him something to think about and in fact he seemed really troubled.

Sam came out the office to the control station and ordered the gate dialled and then she moved to the balcony to look down on them. She seemed hesitant and Rodney wondered if there was actually something dangerous at the nursery but he figured Sheppard would have told them if there was. He looked at Sheppard and found he had been looking at him and was quickly glancing away. _Am I paranoid or not? _

The gate initiated and they stepped through. Rodney was the last through and he glanced up at Sam before he stepped through. He was suddenly very nervous.

Rodney exited the gate and followed the others down the steps into the main street. Sheppard led the way down the main street to the town hall. For Rodney it was like an arachnophobic walking through a spider's lair. They met with the two main leaders to carry on the work they had been doing for the last week.

The two main leaders, one female and one male, were late teens. Over the generations the children had learnt chores instead of games and they ran their towns as well as any adults. Instead of the three R's they learnt how to grow food, process food and prepare food. Their language was simple but informative.

The two leaders stood in front of them and bowed their heads. The team bowed in return except Rodney who was preoccupied. Shepard glared at him. "What? Oh yes, Sorry," and he bowed his head

The two smiled an indulgent smile like Teyla's. It was disconcerting to see it on a child's face, such a wise expression on one so young. "You have come back, we are happy," the girl said.

"Do lessons go well?" Sheppard asked.

"They go well John," the girl said, "we like to learn new things, we are happy"

"We have come to teach more, is that okay?" Sheppard asked.

"We will get many together" said the boy. "Would you eat first?"

Rodney piped in, "Yes, eat now". _See he could do Ronon talk_

Sheppard smirked, "Please." He looked at Rodney who just shrugged.

Rodney liked to eat and also he wanted to delay as long as possible. Inside he shuddered. He told people they made him feel uncomfortable but that wasn't the half of it and worse he didn't know why. He had tried to remember. He remembered being with children and enjoying himself but now he could feel his nerves start to rise exponentially around children and most embarrassing of all was the fear that starts to build. For no reason he can remember children scare him and he finds it embarrassing to mention.

They arrived at the table with 'nature' foods and Rodney and Ronon ate. He looked up to find Sheppard watching him but the look on his face made him feel uncomfortable. The expression on his face was bland but his eyes looked sad. "What?" Rodney said around the food in his mouth.

Sheppard seemed to jump slightly. "Nothing," he said, sounding confused but not acting it as he looked down at his plate and didn't look up again, yet he only picked at his food. _What have I done now? _Rodney thought to himself.

Rodney avoided the fruit just in case it was citrus, because of his allergy, but a little part of him did toy with the idea of testing it. It would mean a couple of days of pain but it would also mean a couple of child free days. He was slightly worried as to how appealing this idea was and wasn't sure if he was disappointed or relieved when Ronon ate the last of them.

When they were done Sheppard split them up. "Teyla you teach trading locations and techniques as usual," Sheppard said and she nodded and departed. With the population due to be increased as the elders continued to live beyond their years their food would no longer sustain them and therefore they would need to trade. As kids they would be cheated by unscrupulous traders and they might go to dangerous locations and so Atlantis had decided to teach 'Trading Savy 101' as Sheppard called it.

"Ronon, you teach defence today, give them something new," Sheppard said. Ronon raised his eyebrows but nodded. Atlantis had also decided they should be taught to protect themselves.

"Rodney, you're with me, we will go teach," Sheppard said. Rodney didn't say anything but just followed Sheppard quietly. He definitely had the feeling he was missing something. Sheppard had not done or said anything obviously wrong but the thought was nagging as it had all day that he was missing something. It was like looking up and finding everyone looking at you waiting for the answer and you left trying to figure out what the question was, so he followed and waited for the missing bit to fall into place.

"You never know Rodney, they may have an apple for the teacher," Sheppard said and it was jovial enough, the right volume and the right tempo but Sheppard generally liked to see his reactions to his jibes but apparently not today and Rodney realised that since leaving Sam's office that morning Sheppard had only looked him in the face twice and those were quick and fleeting and their normal banter was missing today.

"As long as they don't have lemons," Rodney retorted sulkily, deciding to let time show him the answers. They arrived at the 'classroom'. A large hall with an auditorium style steps with a raised dais in the middle, with a table on it and with a wall behind it. It was like a stone classroom from college. Sheppard indicated to the dais and moved to sit in the front row and he sat watching Rodney. Rodney shifted his feet as he hesitated, already feeling the nerves creep up even though he had to admit that he did feel a bit better with Sheppard in the room.

Normally he hated being kept waiting but as it was the children he was waiting for he wasn't complaining at all. He was eating though, he always ate when he was nervous or anxious and today he couldn't seem to stop. He had packed extra bars after the last week. He had gained five pounds since his team had discovered this planet.

_Typical, w__hy oh why did it have to be them? But of course it did, I'm cursed aren't I? _He rocked his head from side to side and mimicked Sam as he repeated her words in his head sarcastically. Y_ou made first contact. They already know you. They feel comfortable with you. They will listen to you. You should be the ones to educate them. Da da-da da-da da da. _Phooey is what Rodney thought. Well at least it was the older ones he would be teaching. The younger ones made him anxious faster for some reason. He opened another bar and started eating.

_Damn it, they were kids. You can bring a grown man to his knees in tears, why do they affect you so? _Suddenly Sheppard wasn't helping, the idea that he had a witness to his nervous breakdown made him, well, nervous.

He knew Sheppard was watching him and he started to rearrange his equipment to centre himself but it just made him more nervous. He turned to Sheppard and found him watching him curiously.

He gulped down his mouthful. "You don't have to stay you know, I promise I'm not going to make them cry……..er……again." _He had been really angry about that incident._

Sheppard lent back, looking relaxed. "And miss the chance to see Genius 101," he smirked.

If Rodney hadn't been so disappointed and distracted he might have noticed that Sheppard's eyes did not reflect the smile and his hand rested on his sidearm, (a sure sign of nervousness but as he was normally only nervous in preparation of a fight, not one that most people noticed).

"Hmmpff, If this is Genius 101 you're in the wrong class," he retorted and turned his back on Sheppard which is a shame because the smile did hit his eyes then and they sparkled humorously as he shook his head, but they dimmed again the longer he studied Rodney's back.

Rodney moved off the dais to the back wall and pressed his hand into the slot. The walls became softer and paler till they disappeared altogether, revealing the systems behind. _Never get tired of that, it's so cool._

Then he heard the children approaching, talking amongst themselves.

He had already shown them the database and how to access it. Luckily the children had retained the knowledge of the written word. He showed them about the Long Range Sensor's, showing them how to keep an eye out for the wraith and how to look at the weather. It went slowly and he had to show them how to conserve energy and maintain the system yet.

He had tried to rush it at first but found he just wasted his breath. He had to teach at their speed and hope that it would all be over soon.

"Lunch time I think" Sheppard said, standing up and clapping his hands together. Rodney jumped.

"Already?" Rodney said tightly. It was normally one of his favourite times of the day but here everyone ate together. "Oh, Well, that's er, that's good," he lied. "Let's go eat," he finished as he plastered a grin on his face with effort but Sheppard only looked into his eyes.

"Don't worry McKay, you can sit between me and Teyla," Sheppard said with a smile as he steered Rodney out of the classroom. _Well, that's an improvement you made me sit with the kids all last week._

They joined the rest of the team who seemed to have brought their classrooms with them. _Oh Joy!_

Then he noticed one of Ronon's charges had a nosebleed and Rodney felt cold flow through his body. _I've got to get away, I've got to go, I can't stay. _"I'm sorry, I…" _I'm so, so sorry…What?_

"Er, I forgot something in the classroom," and he twisted out of John's hand at his back and returned to the classroom at a fast pace. When he reached the classroom he took a seat on the cool stone chair and held his head in his hands. His heart was racing. _It was just a nosebleed, why did he react like that. He dealt in facts, and there was no reason for this and what was all that I'm so, so sorry about, it's not as if __he__ hit the boy, just thank god that bit was in his head at least._

He heard footsteps on the cold stone floor and struggled to compose himself, struggìed to still his heart and focus his eyes. Sheppard appeared. _Oh great, here we go!_

Sheppard didn't say anything till he sat down next to Rodney. "You Okay," he said softly, looking ahead and not at him, for which Rodney was profoundly grateful.

"Yeah Fine," Rodney said, also looking straight ahead, darting sideways glances erratically to see Sheppard's reaction. There was a pause. There was a long pause.

"You seemed a bit jumpy, to much caffeine? Sheppard asked.

Rodney sighed. _D__amn it, why was he so useless at lying. _"Yes, Yes, Okay. The genius is scared of Tiny Tim, Satisfied?" He asked emotional and angry. Puffing him self up, ready for a war of words.

"Can you tell me why?" Sheppard asked softly.

Rodney collapsed in on himself. "No," he replied brokenly. "I've tried to figure it out and I can't. I used to be okay," and he looked at Sheppard desperately. "I did, I really did." He faced forward again.

"I was at the SGC, about to go on a mission with Sam," he paused, waiting for a comment from Sheppard that never came. Sheppard was deathly still and if he could believe his ears, had just hitched his breath so there wasn't even the sound of his breathing and in the stillness he continued.

"I came round in the infirmary. Apparently I had hit my head and developed short term memory loss. No memory prior to the accident or of the accident," he paused again. He had figured the most likely response would be '_Always thought you had brain damage Rodney'_ but nothing came. He looked at Sheppard who hadn't moved a muscle.

Rodney continued. "Ever since then, if I'm around a large number of children I get a panic attack, anxious, heart races and claustrophobic," he hung his head and finished heavily. "I just have to get out."

He turned to face forwards again. "Silly isn't it," and he gave a hollow laugh.

He heard Sheppard swallow heavily beside him. _Probably thinks I'm a mad scientist now. _

"And you've tried to remember, but you can't? Sheppard said slowly, softly

_I'm scared of children Sheppard, not loud voices. _"No, I cant remember," he paused, _in for a penny in for a pound_. "I sometimes think the accident was caused by a child somehow, you know spilled jello and I slipped or something, figured they didn't tell me in case I lost it but you don't get children running around the SGC." He sighed heavily, "Not enough swings."

"I'll go get you some food, Rodney. We will eat here and if you can get through the rest of the day I'll get Sam to send someone else tomorrow."

_Damn it Sheppard, I think I love you……in a manly, brotherly way. _"Really?" Rodney said hopefully, turning big wide eyes of disbelieve at Sheppard.

Sheppard gave a small laugh and clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Really Rodney," he nodded and then he got up and left. Rodney couldn't believe it. He felt light-headed. It was over.

He gave a small "Hmpff" to himself. _Sheppard was always rescuing him_. To have such a trusted friend, to know Sheppard was on his side was a weight lifted.He didn't know what he had done to deserve this friendship, this trust, but he would spend the rest of his days trying to earn it and in the meantime he would watch over Sheppard the way Sheppard watched over him.

Suddenly Rodney jerked backwards. It was as if someone turned the light on in a dark room. All he saw was a bright flash in his mind that attacked all his senses and he physically drew back from it. It was gone as quickly as it came but it left him dazed and shocked. He dropped his head into his hands as despair flooded though him. W_hat the hell is happening to me? H_e thought to himself desperately.

By the time Sheppard returned with the food Rodney had composed himself and he said nothing about it. They sat and talked non-stop about nothing while they ate and Rodney was relaxed when the children came back. He still could feel the nerves starting to rise but he could cope with it knowing that Sheppard wasn't going to make him come here again tomorrow.


	5. Chapter 5

They walked through the stargate

They walked through the Stargate. Ronon came through first, looking annoyed and moved straight to the infirmary for his check up. Teyla next, shaking her head, smiling to herself and followed Ronon. Rodney came next, followed closely by Sheppard. Rodney was talking and he hadn't stopped since the end of class, he seemed to be enjoying some kind of euphoria.

Sheppard was grinning inside. _Yes, it was damn annoying but considering the potential alternatives he could talk as long as he liked, besides he had stopped listening before they had even reached the gate. He would have to make it up to Ronon later. He could give him his dessert, which normally did the trick. _He followed Rodney to the infirmary to get them-selves checked out. He noticed Sam stood on the balcony, _God she looks worried. _He waved to her with a grin. _Hopefully she got that he's okay from that, I will have to go see her next. _He saw her close her eyes and give a sigh of relief as he passed underneath out of view. _I know how you feel, Sam._

Ronon gave a heavy sigh when Rodney came in and Sheppard could not help but smirk. He shared a grin with Teyla who was also having trouble keeping a smile from her face. However, when Sheppard tapped Rodney on the shoulder and indicated that he should take a seat on the bed to get his physical he soon trailed off as he realised he was in the infirmary. _He still has trouble being in here without Carson. Sometimes I don't think he will ever be okay here. He used to refer to all doctors and medicine as Voodoo but I haven't heard him mention that word since Carson, like it's too painful to joke without Carson here to hear it._

He saw Ronon look over at Rodney with a worried glance. He smiled to himself. _Ready to kill him because he wouldn't shut up, and within seconds he's worried because he has, because he knows why. Theirs had to be the weirdest relationship on Atlantis. Most the time he wants to kill Rodney but he would kill anyone who hurt him. _Sheppard knew how he felt. _Weird how the little scientist got under your skin, spiky on the outside, heroic and loyal on the inside, if you were willing to stick around and find out._

As Ronon completed his physical he nodded towards Rodney and then locked eyes with Sheppard. He nodded in response, _Yes, Ronon, I will take care of him while you're gone._ He smiled to himself again and inside he gave a little chuckle, _Weird. _He looked at Rodney who hadn't noticed anything as Ronon left the infirmary. The Doctor moved to Teyla and started her physical, which would take a bit longer, given the pregnancy. Sheppard felt sad as he watched Teyla. _Nothing, we've heard nothing of any of them. How many where there? So many to just disappear. We will find him Teyla, your son will have a father at his birdh if I have to scour every corner of this galaxy he will be returned to you._

He realised Rodney was leaning towards him and refocused his attention. "Are you going to ask Sam, you know, about me not having to go, to be with you know, to teach again," Rodney whispered, his eyes apprehensive. _Talk about windows to the soul, you could see everything in them eyes. _

"Relax Rodney, you wont have to go back and I won't say another word about it," Sheppard said, smiling, and patted his shoulder with his hand. _I'm just so glad you're okay. When I saw you rush back to the classroom_. He couldn't even complete the sentence to him self as his heart clenched and fear fell heavily inside him. He had really panicked then that they had lost him.

Rodney nodded in response as if he already knew that, as if it was obvious with a slight smile on his face, and visibly relaxed.

As Teyla nodded and left the infirmary the doctor moved over to Rodney and started the physical and he saw the smile disappear and Rodney already trying to pull into himself, trying to shut out the fact that this doctor was not Carson. It made him sad to watch it but there was nothing he could do. He had tried to talk about it once, thinking it would help Rodney, but he wasn't ready.

He had backed off straight away and he had seen how grateful Rodney was that he understood, without saying a word, everything Rodney felt had been there in his eyes. Sheppard would wait. One day he would be ready and one of the team would be there when he was or Radek, he worried just as much as they did.

_You have no idea do you Rodney, you're surrounded by an army of people who do everything they can to protect you from yourself and from the bad things in this world. Me, __Ronon, Teyla, Sam, Radek and I think Lorne is starting to think that way too and you have no idea do you, no idea you're not alone anymore. _He smiled to himself.

The doctor had checked him out. "Still got the headache?" the doctor asked. Sheppard saw Rodney jump at the question and when he looked at him he saw panic in his eyes. He started to feel a certain dread seep through his bones. He asked tentatively, "You've been having headaches Rodney?"

"Erm, yeah, you know, just a little headache, nothing to worry about," He said.

_Liar, _Sheppard said inside. _Damn you Rodney, not today. Talk to me damn you._

"You insisted on a scan before you left his morning?" the doctor said confused, looking at Rodney's notes. "Maybe we should give you another scan while you are here – just to make sure."

"No," Rodney said nervously, definitely ready to run. "Erm, I'll come back later, I er, I need to get to the labs, see what they've managed to mess up while I've been gone," and he attempted a grin.

"Rod-ney," Sheppard said darkly. "Just get the damn scan done so we can all move on._" So I know you're okay. Damn it! _Inside he listened to his own heartbeat as Rodney sighed heavily and moved over to the scanning table without a word. He watched him hesitate, looking at the scanner briefly before he got under it.

The doctor moved over and started the scanner. Sheppard watched the doctor as he watched the results. When the scanner was done Sheppard watched Rodney sit up silently and look at his feet. _You know something is wrong don't you? You know and you didn't say a word. Damn you Rodney! When will you learn you don't have to carry everything yourself anymore._

"Well everything seems fine, you're free to go Dr McKay," the doctor said

"Really? Well of course, I said it was just a little headache," Rodney said but Sheppard had seen the shock in his face, the same shock he felt. He watched Rodney rub his hands together, "well I'm off to spread a little happiness in the labs," he said with a grin and walked out. "See ya later Sheppard," he said raising a waving hand in the air as he went.

"See you later Rodney," Sheppard said deadpan to his rapidly retreating back. _You can bet on it._

The doctor moved over to Sheppard and began the physical. When he was done he went to Sam's office. He had been looking forward to this, to say that everything was okay and now he dragged his feet as he thought things through. Eventually, he reached her office, she was alone so he entered and took the seat she had indicated when she looked up. She was smiling, relaxed, unfortunately she had read his signal correctly. _I only wish it was correct_ he thought to himself.

He sighed heavily and he noticed Sam's shoulders droop and her eyes focus on him entirely. He decided to just dive in, deliver the facts as quickly as possible and then he would argue for Rodney never to return to the planet.

"Rodney was okay to start with, nervous and agitated but for Rodney that's normal. He got through the morning and then we went to meet the rest of the team for lunch. I had a hand in his back, steering him through the villagers as we neared Ronon and Teyla. I felt him tense and I followed his gaze to one of Ronon's charges. He was looking at a young boy with a nose bleed. Then he became more and more agitated and then said he had forgotten something in the classroom and he was gone, quick as a flash he was gone," Sheppard shook his head. _When Rodney wanted to he could disappear faster than smoke. _

"I told Ronon and Teyla I would go see too Rodney and they should carry on and then I followed him back to the classroom." _No need to say that I hesitated outside, dreading that I would see the things you've seen, dreading I would see Rodney broken._

"He was in a state, pale, breathless and his eyes were everywhere. He told me the truth, that he was scared of children and that he didn't know why. He said he remembered a time when he wasn't." He watched as Sam moved back slightly, move in on her self slightly. "He told me about a head injury he had got when he was supposed to go on a mission with you. I presume that's when you," he waved a hand in circles vaguely at her, "you know". He wanted to say messed with his head but he could see how tense Sam was and he figured she was probably fragile too.

Her voice was dead and heavy as she asked, "And what does he remember?"

"He believes he had the accident, but he thinks it was caused by a child. Logical explanation as to why he suddenly can't stand them. He thinks on a subconscious level he remembers that a child caused the accident but you never told him in case he went nuts. Which as it turns out is not so far from the truth, but he also thinks he's grabbing at straws. Looking for any answer that will explain why he changed, he's troubled. He thinks maybe a child spilt something and he slipped in it, or something just as innocuous. What did you tell him?"

Sam looked down at the tabletop but he didn't need to see her face to know there was guilt there. "We told him a soldier had gone nuts and was lashing out and that he had started by hitting Rodney over the head, told him we got him quickly but not before he got Rodney. Just in the wrong place and the wrong time, told him he was lucky the soldier was not armed. He didn't know one soldier from another so we just made up a name and as he always thought he was cursed he just accepted that it would be him who got hit over the head and no one else".

Sheppard nodded and continued. "He told me that he had short term memory loss from the accident and that he had tried to remember but he couldn't. I figured that if he had tried and couldn't and nothing had happened that morning that he was going to be okay. I know the nosebleed was worrying but that was the only incident, so I told him he wouldn't have to come back tomorrow. I said I would speak to you when we got back and he thinks I'm here now to save him from going back. Colonel, you should have seen his face when I said that. He visibly relaxed just at the thought and he handled the afternoon better than he had the morning. You saw how happy and relaxed he was when he came back through the gate. Respectfully, I don't think we should push this, I seriously think if he goes back to that planet you are putting his life at risk."

Sam raised her eyebrows. "And that's how you felt when you first came back, but something has happened since. In the infirmary?"

He had thought he had closed his face. He presumed all those years with O'Neill had taught Sam how to read the unreadable and he was going to have to remember that. _I tried Rodney._

"Firstly, everything is fine. The doctor gave Rodney a clean bill of health. It seems our little Rodney has been having headaches for four days now. Considering we found the planet eight days ago that's a coincidence worth watching. The doctor gave him a scan and everything was fine."

Sheppard paused. _She told me everything when she didn't need to, you should tell her everything. She is doing this for Rodney's benefit after all._

"The thing that worries me is that Rodney looked shocked when he first heard the doctor give him the all clear. He had been expecting something and that worries me. He's not telling me everything but I could see it in his eyes. He is very easy to read when you know him but I don't know if this is his usual paranoia or if there is something specific he was expecting."

Sam looked at him and nodded. "So what do you suggest?"

"I think if we keep him here for three days and observe him. I can watch him. If there is nothing else in three days then everything is okay"

"Do you think it is likely to resurface?" Sam asked.

"I was ready to say no, but now I need to know what he is not telling me before I can decide," Sheppard said.

Sam nodded. "Okay, I'll take you off mission list for three days and we will see. And Sheppard, I would just like to reiterate that I am your commanding officer and you will tell me everything in regards to this situation. You will hold nothing back and that is a direct order, is that absolutely clear?"

Sheppard dropped his eyes briefly. _Damn! and she will know too, she has just proved that. _He raised his eyes to her face. "Yes Colonel, I will report everything and I will hold nothing back. I was going to go see him now, if there is nothing else?"

Sam nodded, "I'll see you later, Colonel," and Sheppard stood and left, heading for the labs.

He walked into a silent lab. Rodney was nowhere to be seen. He walked over to Radek and asked where Rodney was. "Oh, he's hiding in there," Radek said, nodding towards Rodney's office.

"Hiding?" Sheppard asked.

"I was hoping you could tell me," Radek said, pushing his glasses up his nose as he turned to look Sheppard in the face. "He came back an hour ago, he didn't rant, he said nothing, went in there. Making everyone more nervous, what happened?"

_Oh its just that he might be remembering that he killed an entire race of children, failed to kill himself and someone he trusted addled his brain – I think he's overreacting myself _he thought sarcastically to himself. "I don't know," he said to Radek, "I suppose I had better go find out."

Radek just looked at him with a look that said he wasn't buying it. "Hmmmm," Radek said and turned back to his laptop.

_Oh Yeah, and I betrayed him_ he thought to himself as he walked over to Rodney's office and walked in.

"OUT!!" Rodney shouted and pointed at the door without looking up. Sheppard closed the door and stood quietly. Rodney must have presumed that he had scared a lab assistant out without looking up to check. He sat rubbing his temples with his brow furrowed.

"Rodney?" Sheppard asked quietly

He watched Rodney jump ten feet, which he would normally find funny, but not today. Today it was not funny at all.

"Oh," he started rearranging things on his desk. "What are you doing here?" he asked, very casually for Rodney, giving the fact of how nervous he was. _I'm here to find out what you know Rodney. I'm here to find out if we're losing you._

"I thought you might like to know how my talk with Sam went," Sheppard said with a grin which he couldn't feel.

"oooh, well?" He waved his arms around vaguely.

Sheppard smirked. "We've got three days off missions list and she says at the moment you don't have to go back"

"At the moment? What the hell does that mean?" Rodney asked, arms frozen in mid dance.

"She says that if everyone is allocated elsewhere and they need someone urgently then we will have to go if we are the only team free but what are the chances of that?" Sheppard asked.

"Yeah, you say that. You're forgetting. I'm cursed. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen to me. The law of averages do not apply to me," Rodney said vehemently. Sheppard wouldn't be surprised to find out that Rodney had actually developed an equation to prove that.

"Yeah but they work in my favour so it evens out," Sheppard said with a smirk, opening his hands in a 'there you go' gesture.

"Doesn't surprise me in the least," said Rodney depressingly.

"So," said Sheppard, looking around vaguely, "You got anything you want me to turn on." _He won't be able to say no, he always has something and it means I can stay here and watch him._

"Well, I'm all out of ascended bimbo's so I'm afraid you'll have to settle for ancient technology," he said as he got up and walked past Sheppard and out into the lab. _Oh very droll. Jeez, it's only two…or is it three….it's not as if I do it on purpose, I don't exactly go looking for them per say._

They worked through some things till dinner and then went to the mess hall where they met up with Ronon and Teyla. Sheppard remembered to give Ronon his dessert, much to the chagrin of Rodney, which in fact increased Ronon's enjoyment of it, so all good.

Sheppard walked with Rodney back to his quarters with some lame excuse of needing to visit something or other near his quarters but obviously had to leave him there, which was a shame as it turned out.


	6. Chapter 6

He walked into a silent lab

**He remembers, he remembers it all**_**. The stillness, the quiet! It's unbearable, where is the laughter now! **_** He looks down at Miarda**_**. Sweet Miarda, so still. He can perform miracles but he can't bring her back and the pain, it hurts so much. Desperately h**_**e pulls her to his heart, **_**maybe, just maybe if she can feel his heart beating hers will answer,**_** but her body remains lifeless against him, empty. He throws his head back and releases the pain, so much pain, too much to release. So much still embraces him, still holds on to him. He is unable to stop the tears flowing down his cheeks, his vision blurs and he tries to blink away the tears to clear it. **_**He must see Miarda, he wants to see her**_**. **

**He feels his heart clench with the pain and he thinks his heart will stop but it doesn't. W**_**hy won't it stop? Please just stop.**_** He looks around him at the death he has caused. **_**There are so many**_**. He looks into their eye's and sees the accusation there. **_**You still live, why does your heart still beat, you who killed us?**_** Suddenly he knows what he must do. **_**The pain is there to guide him, to show him, the only way to stop the pain is to make amends. **_**He feels himself moving, someone is leading him away from the children, **_**are they going to help him make amends?**_** He follows blindly, caught up in his own grief, he looks into the face of every child he passes and he promises. **_**I will make amends, I will even the balance. I will die too. And in his grief stricken state he imagines that they agree to the bargain.**_

Rodney wakes from his dream, but now he knows it was no dream, but a memory.

He sits up slowly and swings his legs over the side of the bed. He raises a hand to wipe the tears from his cheeks and he sits and looks at his damp hand, seeing and not seeing. He remembers everything he did and he also remembers why he forgot for so long. He remembers Sam with the Goa'uld hand device. _She had been so sad, she hadn't understood, she hadn't heard the children's final demand and he hadn't been able to get her to understand_. He feels the familiar pain embrace him again and settle into the familiar corners and crevices of his mind, reminding him of his promise, guiding him again.

It was early morning now. It had been mid morning then. He decided he would die at the same time he had killed them all. _That would be fitting_. He got dressed and he started out towards the North tower. He would climb and then he would wait until the time was right.

He was calm, knowing at last that today he would be able to make amends and today he would be able to stop the pain. He was sad that Kate was off world, he would have liked to thank her for their time together before he went but it wasn't to be, she would be thankful that he did this when she found out what he had done.

--­--­--

--

Sheppard woke, dressed and showered. He was relaxed and peaceful. He thought it was all over, he thought Rodney was safe. He had no idea that today would be one of the most painfud days of hic life. He even had a spring in his step as he went to get Rodney for breakfast.

--

Sam woke early. She lay there till early morning thinking of Rodney and hoping today was another day that he didn't remember. _I will remember always my love. It hurts so much but I will not break my promise._ In the quiet stillness of her own rooms where no-one could hear her she murmured, "I love you Rodney McKay," and then she wipes the tears from her eyes as she gets up, showers and dresses. She leaves for her office and she doesn't know that the pain she is feeling is nothing to the heartache that will follow.

**--**

Sheppard knocked on Rodney's door. "Rodney? Rodney?"

No Answer.

Sheppard stood outside for a moment, unsure how to proceed. Normally he would just go to the Mess and wait for Rodney to turn up there but he was still a little hesitant to let the little guy out of his sight.

He started out towards the Mess and at the same time, just to still the niggling in the back of his mind, he radioed the control centre. "This is Colonel Sheppard can you tell me where Dr McKay is?"

Whoever was on duty replied, "One moment Colonel," and then there was a pause while they checked the system. Then came the reply, "Top of the North Tower," and Sheppard stopped dead in his tracks. "Who is with him?" he asked hesitantly, but he knew the answer and he had already started running as he heard the reply. "No-one Sir, he's all alone."

He pulled his radio to his mouth as he ran, "Contact Colonel Carter, tell her our conversation and tell her to meet me there, Sheppard out," and then he dropped his hand and put every effort, every muscle into getting to Rodney as fast as he could. _Please, let me be in time, please don't let him remember, please, please don't let him remember. _He saw Teyla walking towards him along the corridor, looking at him curiously. He pointed at her to get her attention, "Teyla, you're with me, now!"

She fell effortlessly in step with him, matching his speed. "What is wrong Colonel Sheppard?" she asked in her calm, dulcet tones. _What do I say, what if he's just enjoying the view….from the top of the North Tower!! Not while they are still serving breakfast. Something is wrong. Something is very, very wrong, I know it. _

_I can't think of any other reason why he would be there and I need Teyla to be prepared. _"Rodney maybe trying to harm himself, his reason's are personal and I don't want to go into them. I maybe wrong and if I am please never mention this again but I can't take the risk. If I'm right, we need to reach him fast."

They reached the stairs and started bounding up two or three at a time, side by side. Teyla didn't say a word but he could tell by her face and the turn of speed she gave that she was as anxious to reach Rodney as he was.

They came out into the main room and found it empty. He pulled his radio to his mouth and spoke. _After all he had nothing to lose_, "Rodney? Come in Rodney." His head lifted up sharply at Rodney's voice coming from the far balcony. Sheppard put a restraining hand on Teyla and tore across the room and through the door. Rodney stood at the far end of the balcony. His face was calm and he even gave a smile as he said, "Morning, John". _What the hell is going on! Okay, calmly, take it slowly. He's alive so we've still got time._

"Hi Rodney, what you doing way up here," Sheppard asked tentatively as he edged towards Rodney, he was halfway along the balcony now.

"I think that's far enough, John," Rodney said, pointing to Sheppard's feet. "I've been standing here thinking about the last few days and I've realised," then he looked up into Sheppard's face, "you know don't you. You know about the Children…." and then he took a deep breath that seemed to rake through his body, "the children that I killed," his voice breaking slightly.

Sheppard nodded, unable to speak and unsure of what to say as he watched tears start to stream down Rodney's face but Rodney didn't bother to raise a hand to clear them away, he just let them fall. _Oh Rodney, What have I done? Please forgive me, Rodney, I thought it was for the best, I really did. Oh God, please let me in Rodney, don't shut me out, not now, not today._

Sheppard could hear his heart breaking as Rodney said, "I killed them all, John, not one survived me. I agreed to the bargain and I'm here to keep my promise," his voice trembling with emotion.

"What promise is that, Rodney," his voice thick and heavy with emotion as his heart clenched in pain.

Rodney raised his eyes to meet Sheppard's. "To Die, I have to even the balance, John," he said as if he couldn't understand why Sheppard could not see what should be so obvious. It should have been his voice that scared Sheppard, listening to someone say they were going to die without emotion in their voice but it was the eyes that scared him the most. Sheppard found himself looking into the eyes of a man on the edge of insanity, a broken man. He had lost Rodney. _Oh God, I'm so sorry I failed you Rodney. I was supposed to protect you. I should never have taken you there. _Sheppard didn't know what to do. For the first time, he didn't have clue.

He could block out everything, except Rodney in pain. It always cut through his defences, and it made Sheppard unable to distance himself, to think dispassionately. He had always figured it was because he had put Rodney on the team. Ronon and Teyla were raised as warriors, like him, they were trained to fight. Rodney had not and that made him braver than any of them and they all felt the need to protect him above all.

He looked into the pain of Rodney's eyes and he knew he was seeing the man that Sam had described but then he noticed something deep in his eyes, something he didn't think even Rodney could sense in himself on a conscious level. Sheppard saw a plea, buried deep in his eyes was a message for Sheppard, "Rescue me please rescue me."

Then he realised how strange it was that Rodney had his radio with him, considering his intentions and he knew on a subconscious level that he wanted to be saved. It gave him the confidence that they hadn't lost him yet, that they still had a chance and he grabbed it with both hands and clung to it like a drowning man.

He stepped forwards, "You can't go yet, Rodney, Atlantis needs you. We need you."

When he mentioned Atlantis Rodney turned to look at him. _Yes, you love this city don't you? _"We won't survive without you, Rodney, Atlantis will fall without you," he said slowly, carefully, gauging every reaction.

Rodney's brow furrowed as he looked at Sheppard. "I have to even the balance, I have to make amends, I promised," he said sadly and Sheppard could see that spec of sanity start to grow. There was still a part of Rodney that struggled to survive against his guilt. He wasn't lost to them, not completely.

"You don't have to do it now, you can do that later," Sheppard said slowly, trying to sound as casual as he could when he was talking about Rodney dying. "Think of the people who would have died without you here."

"I couldn't save Grodin," he said regrettably. "People die around me and I can't do anything but I can make amends for this at least." _Damn you Rodney, not while I have breath in my body._

"Grodin died to save Atlantis. Every time you save Atlantis you make his death worth something, if Atlantis falls then he died for nothing. You saved it from the Wraith, from the Replicators, from Koyla. You did that Rodney and every time you save Atlantis you make those who died for it worth something. Don't you see, Rodney, saving Atlantis and everyone in her, it evens out." Sheppard didn't know where the words were coming from but using Rodney's idea of balance he could see he was starting to get through to him. He was hesitating, starting to question his promise. He was looking out over the ocean, contemplating. _Please listen to me Rodney. I need you to be okay, I need to know I didn't do this to you, that I did not destroy you. Help me Rodney, damn you, hear me!_

"Carson," Rodney said. So quietly that Sheppard almost didn't hear him and when he did his heart ached."Nothing balances out Carson, I could save every person in this galaxy a hundred times over and Atlantis could stand till the end of time and it still wouldn't balance against Carson." _No, not Carson, Not now, why now?_

"You blame yourself for Carson?" Sheppard asked incredulously, and he saw the spec of sanity start to dim. He watched Rodney start to retreat into himself. He was losing him.

"I should have gone to the station myself but I wanted to spend the day with Kate. If I had gone or if I had taken Carson out of the city like I promised," Rodney looked back towards Sheppard, shrouded in pain and guilt. "I lied to him, John. The last words I spoke to him when he was alive were lies," and he shook his head in disbelieve and shame.

Sheppard could only stand and watch as he lost Rodney. Then something occurred to him.

"Then make amends before you die, even the balance for Carson," he said to Rodney, trying to convince him.

"How?" Rodney turned his body towards Sheppard and even took a half step towards him, desperate to understand, desperate to appease the pain inside.

"Carson wanted to save everyone. Didn't he die saving a single life? Carry on his work Rodney. Stay here and save us, just as Carson would have wanted," Sheppard said as hope flared. Rodney was thinking about it and Sheppard held his breath. _If it worked, it would be poetic justice that even after he died it was Carson who had been able to save Rodney, one last time. _

Cold started to seep into Sheppard as he realised that Rodney was shaking his head and then he looked at Sheppard with tears in his eyes and as the first tear fell he spoke. "I can't, the pain, John. It wraps around my heart, it covers every thought. I wouldn't be able to work, to think. I would fail everyone and I would fail Carson. I would fail you."

Sheppard had never heard Rodney talk so open about his feelings, except for when he had asked him to let the wraith feed on him for Jeanie. To hear him admit to that much pain cut into his heart. _Fail me? Never Rodney, you could never fail me, you surprise me every day._

Teyla came and stood next to John and she slipped a hand into his and wrapped a hand around his elbow. "There is a way," she said quietly. Sheppard felt stronger, more centred with Teyla connected to him.

Rodney seemed transfixed by her hands. "Miarda," he whispered brokenly. _Wasn't that the little girl's name? Does Teyla remind him of her, will that go for or against us._

Teyla leaned forward slightly and Rodney looked up into her face. "There is another way Rodney McKay," Sheppard wanted to look at her and ask her to explain quickly before they lost him again, but he couldn't take his eyes off Rodney. He was terrified that if he looked away, even for a second, that they would lose him. He listened as she continued.

"I know a woman that can take grief away, you will remember nothing," Teyla said and fell silent, watching Rodney, waiting for a response.

_Like last time__, _Sheppard thought, t_hat had lasted five years and only because of this planet, if not who knows. _"You can make amends for Carson," he said.

"What about the children?" Rodney asked. "For the sake of the children I have to make amends."

"When you're work here is finished we will remind you of everything and then you can fulfil your promise," Sheppard said, keeping the panic out of his voice.

Rodney looked at him with his face completely blank, for the first in years Sheppard could not read him. "You wouldn't do that," he said. No accusation, no disbelief, no emotion at all.

Sheppard walked over to Rodney and looked him in the eye. "I need you here, now, and I will make any promise I have to if it means that. I will help you make amends, I promise," and Sheppard meant it. Mentally he would help Rodney make amends. He would never allow him to die. _I will make you see you're a good man, a man I'm proud to call my friend. Give me a chance to make amends too Rodney._

Rodney looked into his eyes and saw nothing there that betrayed Sheppard.

"You would help me," Rodney asked and this time Sheppard heard a pleading note to the question.

"I would," Sheppard said simply, watching Rodney return to him. He saw him heave a huge sigh of relief.

"I would like that," Rodney said, "I don't want to be alone when I die." Sheppard's heart broke again with those words and it took all his control to contain his emotions as he asked quietly, "So, will you stay with us?"

Sheppard watched and waited.


	7. Chapter 7

Rodney nodded and Sheppard had trouble containing the euphoria that exploded in him and he couldn't stop a relieved sigh from

Rodney nodded and Sheppard had trouble containing the euphoria that exploded in him and he couldn't stop a relieved and broken gasp from escaping. _T__hank you Rodney_, _I will never betray you again I swear it._

They walked back into the main room of the tower just as Sam came running in, coming to stop in the doorway. She stood and stared at Rodney and there was fear in her eyes.

Quietly, Sheppard told her. "Teyla knows someone who can take the memory away again, until Rodney has completed his work here. Rodney is willing to do this." He knew she had heard him but she didn't acknowledge him.

She remained locked on Rodney who was looking at Sam with a furrowed brow.

--

He looked at her and something niggled and gnawed at his memory and then suddenly he remembered and his senses exploded as he remembered how soft her lips had felt against his, how they tasted. He remembered how smooth her skin felt under his fingers and how they had tingled as he had ran his fingertips over the shapes and curves of her perfect body. He remembered how he had opened him self up to her and given his heart to her and how she had rewarded him in return.

He walked over to her and ghosted his fingers down her cheek as she closed her eyes and released a sob as her eyes brimmed with tears that caught in her lashes. As the first one fell he asked her softly, "Why did you never tell me?"

He could see that she had to master her emotions before she could speak and he waited patiently, studying her face, watching every nuance as if seeing it anew. "Because they are both intertwined Rodney, with the memory of joy comes the memory of pain, you've just proved it, so I had to take both because I couldn't just watch you die".

His eyes never left her lips as she spoke. He ached to feel them, to taste them again but he couldn't. Kate had accepted him for who he was and he owed her something for that alone. His thumb ran over her lips gently as he said brokenly, "I'm with Kate now."

He saw her lips clamp together, to hold in her emotion as she nodded her head emphatically and then uttered, "I know," in a tortured voice.

He ran the backs of his fingers against her cheek. He wanted to remember, he didn't want to forget again. _With joy comes pain, _her words repeated inside head and he knew he had to forget. "I want you to know, you are always in my heart, even when I remembered nothing you were still there."

She relaxed into a deep sigh and then looked up into his face. "I remember for both of us and this memory will never fade. Know that while you can't remember it does not change the fact that you have my heart always," she said quietly cupping his cheek in her hand and using her thumb to dry his tears.

He nodded and pulled her towards him so that his lips rested on her forehead and he closed his eyes as he felt her smooth skin against his lips again and then they pulled back and they stood watching each other, his eyes passing over places his lips ached to touch.

Sheppard coughed.

--

Initially he had thought 'you dog' and had felt a kind big brotherly pride in Rodney, but he felt guilty of these coarse feelings when he saw how deep their emotions ran. Theirs was a pure love, a deep love that was beautiful to watch. There fascination of each other, their gentle touches and their words that came straight from the heart. Then he realised that Sam had sacrificed this for Rodney and his heart went out to her, he would never forget that sacrifice, from this day on she had his loyalty and his life.

He felt profoundly uncomfortable as they both turned to look at him but they had to move, there was always the chance that Rodney would change his mind and he wanted him to do this of his own freewill, it was very important to him that this be Rodney's choice.

"Teyla will stay with you Rodney, while me and Carter get everything prepared," he turned to Teyla, "can you tell us if there is anything specific we need."

"You will need a speaker who will speak of the memory," every one glanced at Sam who nodded and then returned her gaze to Rodney's face. Teyla continued, "and you will need a guardian to stand over him and protect him during the ceremony and any remaining people will stand as guards over everyone, I would like to accompany you."

Sheppard nodded. "Okay," he said, his mind already working. He indicated to Teyla and she led Rodney away.

Sam backed up to the wall, resting one foot flat against it, holding her arms around her waist, obviously in emotional agony as she watched Rodney disappear from view. Sheppard watched her in pain for Rodney and he felt for her. _I want to comfort you Sam. I know now the sacrifice you made for him. You're part of the team now Sam and I wish I could be there for you but you're my commanding officer and I just don't know __how__ to be there for you. I'm sorry. _ He swallowed down his emotion and spoke.

"I think we should keep the people who know to a minimum, like last time," he said. "I will go get Ronon and I think Radek should join us. He watches over Rodney with the rest of us and I trust him. We will all keep the secret and we will all watch him and keep him safe," and then he watched Sam, waiting for a response.

She brought her foot down and scuffed it along the floor, looking at her feet. "The whole secret?" she asked tentatively and looked up into his face.

"The only ones that know the whole secret were in this room today. I will speak to Teyla. We will keep the whole secret, he will never know from us," he said sadly. _All Rodney ever wanted was someone to love him for who he was and when he found someone who did, fate stepped in and stole the memory from him. Sometimes, I wonder if he is cursed._

_--_

Sam nodded and pushed herself away from the wall and in a daze she followed beside Sheppard as they descended from the tower. As they made their way down he told her how he had convinced Rodney and what his plans were. She listened but all she could hear was Rodney's voice, _you are always in my heart. _

The pain was unbearable, it tore at her heart and grief lay heavy in her because she was going to lose him again. To relive it was hard enough, but to know that she would have to take those precious memories from him again in a few hours. To see the look in his eyes that spoke of their night together as they had travelled over her face and body and to know she would have to deny him those memories again. _To know that I will be left alone again, that I will have to love you from afar again, that when my emotions get the better of me I will have to hang my head so you don't see the love in my eyes when I look at you. Rodney, it's almost too much to bear, it __is__ too much to bear._

Ronon, Teyla, Radek, Sheppard and Sam were in the puddle jumper with Rodney. Sheppard had told Ronon and Radek of Rodney's pain and explained what they were about to do. They had both asked to join him before he had the chance to ask them. She had been watching him and she could tell that he had felt a fierce pride then and he had nodded his assent. She knew because she had felt it too.

She always felt it when her Rodney earned that level of friendship, when others saw what had taken her so long to see. _All those wasted days, if I had seen it before we went to the planet, then we could have continued because the memory of our first time and the children would not be so irrevocably linked, but I failed to see him and I will pay for that forever._

Sam and Rodney sat together in the back of the jumper and everyone else sat in the cockpit, Radek next to Sheppard and Ronon behind him. Teyla stood in the door way, in effect cutting Sam and Rodney off from the rest of the crew and Sam silently thanked her as she sat next to Rodney running her fingers along his hands and fingers.

_To be able to touch you again, like this, and feel your skin beneath my fingertips again. To be able to look at you freely and allow you to see that I love you is true freedom. This is paradise, right here sitting next to you with love in my face. My heart will break soon enough but here and now in this moment it lives again, for you Rodney._

The gate was dialled for the Nursery. They had told everyone that Rodney was showing Radek the systems to take over the teaching and Sam was coming to introduce herself to their leaders. Rodney's team, and it was Rodney's team that day, were there in case the wraith turned up.

When they reached the Nursery Teyla dialled the gate and Sheppard went through. She could tell that he was impatient to get there. She didn't think he liked having his back to Rodney because he wanted to see his face, to know that he was still with them. She knew how he felt and she kept gazing up into his face to look into his eyes just to make sure he was still with them and not with the Children.

When they exited the other side Teyla directed Sheppard. They landed near some caves. Sam moved slightly away from Rodney, the fewer that knew the whole secret the better. Teyla went to speak to Locti, the wise woman. They moved to the only tent in the area. Teyla introduced them to Locti, to the woman who would save Rodney. She was a grey haired crone but she smiled easily with crooked teeth. _She looks like one of Shakespeare's witches_ thought Sam.

Locti pulled Rodney to stand at her side. "Who speaks for this man?" she intoned and Sam stepped forward. "I do," she said and Locti nodded.

"And who stands guardian over this man," She intoned and Sheppard and Ronon stepped forward together. Sam watched a brief smile play on Sheppard's lips as he looked at Ronon, locked eyes with him and said, "I do". Ronon nodded resignedly and stepped back.

"The remainder guard us all," she intoned and led the three of them inside the tent. There was a smoky atmosphere to the tent and cushions littered the floor over carpets. Locti led Rodney to a long mattress type cushion and indicated he lay down on it. He looked to Sheppard who nodded encouragement at him and Rodney allowed himself to be lowered to the mattress.

It hurt that he looked to Sheppard for reassurance but he had been there over the last four years, not her, so it had to be expected. It still hurt though.

He lay down with his hands across his stomach. McKay was starting to come back to himself. She was starting to see his self made protector, the man who shrouded her love, a little twitch here or a little wrist spasm there. He was getting nervous, starting to question himself again.

She felt hands on her and turned to find the old crone steering her to Rodney's left hand side and she made her sit on her knees at his left shoulder. She sat and watched as she steered Sheppard to his right shoulder and said to him, "You shall not move, you shall guard him and no other."

Then she started the chant, periodically gathering up herbs and plants from the table behind her and throwing pinches of them over Rodney. She was mesmerized at first and then turned her attention to Rodney and found him asleep. _No, I wanted to say goodbye. I wanted to see him look at me one last time with the memory still in him, I needed to see that one more time before I lost him forever. _Tears brimmed in her eyes as she realised she was too late to say goodbye, that again, he was lost to her and she was alone again.

Locti spoke. "The secret keeper will tell her secrets," and then she nodded to Sam.

Sam began, she told Rodney of their night together. She told Rodney how she fell in love and how it felt when he touched her, how his eyes had locked onto her soul. She told him about the children, of his own pain and guilt. She repeated the things she had seen that tore at her heart, she told him everything that had happened and then she told him about today.

She told how he had returned to her and how it felt to feel his eyes on her again, to be able to look at him and show him her true feelings. How rich it felt not to have to hide something so beautiful. How he had agreed because of his love for Carson to forgo his promise to the children, that he had agreed to forget the pain and that he had agreed to forget their love.

Her voice broke many times in the telling and when she was done she looked up into Sheppard's face to see his eyes brimmed with tears and his lips quivering with emotion as he fought to retain control them and that alone broke her, tears started to fall and didn't stop. To know that Rodney still had someone who could show him he was liked, that he was loved meant more to her in this minute that anything else. _I will be alone but you will never be alone again Rodney. _She looked up at Locti through tearful eyes.

"Now the speaker will tell the false truth, tell the sleeper what they should remember," Locti intoned. Sam took a deep breath as the sobs racked her body, trying to gain control.

Eventually, she was able to speak again and then she leant in and she whispered the falsehood. Inside she talked to Rodney. _I'm sorry, so, so sorry. I feel like I betrayed you again. I still retain the memory Rodney. I swore before and I swear again, I will never forget your touch, your kisses. I will never forget how it feels when you look at me that way. I will never forget that you love me and, _a sob escapes her and she tries to regain her control again, _and I will never forget_ _that I am always in your heart as you are in mine. _


	8. Chapter 8

Soon Rodney would forget, soon he would never know that Sam adored him

Soon Rodney would forget, soon he would never know that Sam adored him. Most people wouldn't understand how a beautiful, intelligent woman like Sam could love the angry little man with the sharp tongue. Sheppard understood because to understand was to know every layer of Rodney.

To know that first impression's of Rodney were his protection against being hurt. If you got past the anger then you discovered the humour next, his second layer of defence which he used with skill to push people away, to belittle them and insult them. Next was his intelligence which he would use to intimidate you, which was the only part of himself that he not only liked but that he held a fierce pride for. If you got past this layer then you started to see how scared and vulnerable he really was. Just when you thought that was all he was you discovered the real Rodney, underneath all these layers, he was braver than anyone else Sheppard knew because he was scared of everything and yet he would stand and face anything to protect you. He was loyal and would pay any price for a friend without a thought. He was sensitive and would accept someone's pain as his own. He took guilt into himself with every breath and allowed it to consume him for the slightest inflection on a friend. He would lay down his life for anyone, thinking anyone's life was worth more than his own.

Rodney was the best and most valuable friend Sheppard had ever known. To know every layer of Rodney was only for the privileged and patient few, those who accepted him in all his layers, his friends. It was only then that you realised that you would die for this man in an instant and that you would protect him at all costs, defend him at all costs that you would become another layer for Rodney, another layer of protection against any hurts the world could bring. They were here, his most loyal friends, doing just that. Protecting Rodney from himself, from a pain his guilt could not contend with.

Sheppard couldn't help but hear as Sam told Rodney the things he needed to forget. He now knew what it sounded like when your heart broke because he heard it again and again as she laid bare her soul and every time hers broke he felt his break to. That Rodney would have to lose her in order to keep his sanity, in order to live, was wrong on every level. He heard the love in her voice, so clear and passionate. He knew that this love could help Rodney to dissolve the layers he shrouded himself in, it could help him believe in himself but he would never know of its existence. His saving grace would be his downfall and so he would have to live his life never knowing that Sam loved him beyond measure.

Rodney would never know but Sheppard would never forget and inside he felt Rodney's loss. Inside his heart ached with pain as he heard the love that Rodney would never know and he could feel waves of remorse and regret flow through his body as he realised what Rodney longed for most would be denied him because of fate and he knew now that Rodney must be cursed to have this taken from him.

He heard Sam's final words that Rodney had agreed to forget their love and guilt consumed him because he had talked Rodney into this sacrifice, _would I have been able to do that if I had know the true cost? I didn't have a choice. It was love and death or life. _Sam looked up at him and again he saw the eyes of a broken soul and his heart clenched in sympathetic pain for the both of them and as waves of sorrow flooded him he felt tears in his eyes for their loss and his emotions threatened to overwhelm him. Sam had sacrificed everything for him again.

As he watched Sam whisper the falsehoods he struggled to control his emotions and then he heard her give a painful, mournful sob that pulled at his soul and he was nearly undone. He struggled again when he heard gun fire outside and as he turned to look outside, he heard Ronon's shouts and he heard Radek scream and then above all these noises he heard a whisper "John?" _Rodney. _He turned to see Rodney and suddenly that was all he could see and hear was Rodney, tossing fitfully in his sleep. "Where are you?" He knelt by his shoulder and squeezed his shoulder, "I'm here Rodney, by your side," w_here I always am._

Rodney nodded and drifted into a peaceful sleep. He looked to Locti to see if this was normal or if he should be alarmed. She was grinning broadly, chuckling to herself as she nodded her head. "Yes, yes, you are a guardian." He realised it was quiet outside. Ronon. "Is the ceremony over, I heard gunfire," he said.

"No gunfire, Test. You risked sacrifice of guards to save him. You guarded him and no-one else. You passed test. He will live," said the old crone gathering up some things and then started to bustle out of the tent.

"Live, you mean there was a chance this could have killed him?" Sheppard said whilst shock, fear and anger all climbed inside him.

The old crone cackled, "always a chance of life and death," and then she turned to him with an intense stare, "but nothing will touch this man, I hear the secret keeper and his guardian, I hear the guards stand to the last, nothing will ever touch this man while you stand at his side, he is a lucky man to be loved so," and then she bustled out of the tent without another word. Sheppard shook his head and looked back toward Sam and Rodney. _I can't let the others see her like that. He moved to the tent flap and steeled himself he stepped outside._ "It worked so far, give us a little longer and then we will move him. I will shout you when we are ready," They all nodded and he moved back into the tent.

Sam was kissing Rodney, one final kiss and as she leant back on her heels she gripped her arms around her waist and tears flooded down her cheeks as sobs racked through her. He looked at her with saddened tears in his eyes because it hurt just to look at the amount of pain blatant on her face. She had ripped out her heart to keep Rodney safe. _ You can't leave her to suffer alone._

He unclipped his gun and put it to one side and then he went to her. He pulled her up to him and looked her in the eyes. "There are no ranks here Sam, inside this tent there are only Rodney's friends standing together, you're not alone here," and he opened his arms to her, she fell into his embrace, gripped onto his tactical vest and buried her head against him and he felt her body shudder as her sobs came, from a tortured soul in pain. _Thank you Sam, I know it cost you but thank you for giving him back to us all._

He didn't know how long they stood there while he watched Rodney over her shoulder unable to come to terms with Rodney's loss. Finally she broke away, wiping tears from her eyes. "Thank you, John." Then she raised her face and he could see in her eyes the pain of love lost. "I'm glad he has you, it makes me fell better to know he's not alone anymore."

She wiped her eyes and he could see her compose herself. She placed a hand on his chest. "Keep him safe for me, Colonel," and then she left the tent without another word, without looking back. _I will keep him safe for you and I will never forget the sacrifice you gave today for him and for that anything you ask of me is yours. I swear._

He looked at Rodney. He had his friend back but he had just witnessed the sacrifice Sam had made and now he thought about Rodney's. He had given up Sam so he could continue Carson's work, so he could keep Atlantis and all in her safe. He walked over to Rodney and knelt by him and he whispered, "It won't be for nothing, if it costs me my life I swear, Atlantis will stand till the end of time and this balance will be met."

He wanted desperately to stop. He was emotionally drained and in pain. He didn't know if he could take much more and he could already feel his eyes filling again. He just kept getting flashes of Sam as she looked up at him in so much pain and he saw Rodney again when he remembered his love, how at peace he seemed until those last minutes. His arms hadn't danced, his wrists hadn't twitched and he hadn't retaliated in anger or sarcasm between the balcony and here. With her love in him he had finally been at peace with himself and now that was gone and he would never know what that felt like. They were running out of time, they had to move. He pushed his emotions down and dried his eyes.

He called Ronon and when he came in he asked him to carry Rodney. He wanted to do it but they couldn't risk him waking up now and the Satedean could carry him easily without risk. They carried him to the jumper. As they walked back he spoke to Radek, "You're sure you can do this Radek, you have the hardest job of all because you will have to bluff him for the rest of the day. You can't let your guard down for a second and you have to watch him, this is the test Radek. Everything rests on today."

Radek pushed his glasses back up. "I am friend to Rodney and I will not let him down, I not let you down. I will not let him see that I worry, he will know nothing. Today will work. Rodney come back to us." He said as he nodded. "It will work Colonel Sheppard."

Sheppard nodded and then walked past to join Ronon in the Jumper and helped him put Rodney down and as he did he took a minute to look at Rodney and he thought inside, as he squeezed his right shoulder, _no matter where I am, my place is always here,_ and then went to the pilot seat. Teyla and Carter were already in the front of the shuttle. Ronon sat down next to Rodney in the back and when Radek entered he sat opposite them.

Sheppard dialled the gate and when it initiated he went through. They flew to the village and landed just outside. Then they sat and waited. Eventually, Rodney started to come round and everyone jumped into action. Radek was outside in a moment with his bags and Ronon was beside him. Sam left and headed to the village Teyla stood in the door way. Sheppard stood and took a deep breath, looking at each of them in turn. Then he nodded. _Act one Scene one._

He strolled over to Rodney and clapped him on the shoulder, "come on, up and at 'em McKay." He watched McKay furrow his brow and flinch away from his touch. "Come on, sleepyhead, time to go," Sheppard saw a slither of blue as Rodney inched open his eyes. "What?"

"We're here, jeez, how many those headache tablets you take McKay? Come on, time to go. Carter's already left for the village," he said as he started to help McKay up.

"Are we still going," Ronon growled from outside.

"Bags are heavy, yes," Radek added.

Rodney got up and followed Sheppard, still trying to get his bearings. They walked straight to the classroom and by the time they got there Rodney was fully awake. Ronnon and Teyla dropped off the bags they had been carrying and left without a word. He seemed to know why they were there so it was working okay so far. He set up everything with Radek.

"Right Radek, try not to embarrass me too much today, we're in public so try to keep any idiotic views to yourself."

Radek let go with a run of Chezch, waving his arms and then started muttering in English. "Come to do job, get insulted, I have degrees," and with his back to Rodney he looked up at Sheppard and he gave a huge smile and then he carried on in Chezch. Sheppard smirked.

"Yes, degrees of idiocy, lets try not to see too many of them today," Rodney interrupted. "Come over here and let me show you the database first." Sheppard beamed inside. _Now that's the Rodney I know. _

It seems days since he heard this and all he wants to do is sit down and listen to Rodney berate Radek, listen to his wit and sarcasm and the underlying respect he has for Radek but he couldn't. This had to be a normal day, a common day, an everyday sort of day and so he left and as he walked outside he saw Ronnon and Teyla waiting for him. "Rodney's back," he said with a smirk as he met them and he saw the relief in their eyes and in the way their bodies relaxed and as they walked into the village to speak to Sam, Rodney's team breathed a united sigh of relief.

Sheppard knew the whole secret and from that day on every time he saw Rodney with a child or they saved the city he shed a tear, inside where no one could see, for the sacrifice it cost and he wondered if there would ever be a time when it balanced out. If there would ever be a time when he soul didn't whisper to him that this isn't how it should be, that two people who loved each other as those two did shouldn't be apart.

THE END!!


End file.
